How to forgive without forgetting

I struggled in the past to forgive those who hurt me.

I wasn't realizing how much it was actually costing me not to forgive.

To be honest with you I had a limiting believe that when you forgive someone you have to forget what they did.

The older I got the more I realized that it's actually possible to forgive someone and move on without forgetting what happened.

During my journey, I learned how to forgive without forgetting.

Moreover, I learned what the benefits are. 

Today I am going to share with you the 4 steps I do to forgive without forgetting.

Let's end those thoughts that in order to forgive you have to forget or tolerate.

Let me help you find a way where you can move on and learn how to forgive when you can't forget.

Are you ready?



1. Take your time to heal your wounds 

The first thing you want to make sure is to forgive yourself first for what happened. 

I know from past experiences when I have to forgive someone, I used to try to blame myself for what happened.

Moreover, I would start to think about the things I could have done differently to prevent this situation from happening.

I blamed myself even if it wasn't my fault.

If you feel sometimes the same let me tell you this.

You are not 100% responsible for their actions.

At the end of the day, they consciously took the decision not you, don't ever forget that.

Stop blaming yourself.

Moreover, get over the initial anger and hurt.

Heal your wounds, which were created so you're no longer suffering.

Some ideas what you could do to heal your wounds:

  • Talk to a friend, a person you trust

  • Do some exercise

  • Pray

  • Scream to let the anger out

  • binge-watch a whole Netflix series in one day

No matter what happens or how you feel don't hold on to your anger or feelings.

Your emotions need space to breathe.

Take your time and don't put pressure on yourself.

Sometimes it's easier to forgive, but if you don't feel ready then don't do it and sometimes you will need more than just a week or a month to heal your wounds.

No matter how long you need don't let anybody force or put you under pressure to forgive someone if you still feel not ready.

Let me repeat it again just to make sure that you really understood it.


2. Learn your lesson

Reflect on what happened and why.

Try to understand and get a big picture of the situation without blaming yourself.

Learn your lesson so you can prevent the same situation to happen so history doesn't repeat itself again.


To get an understanding of what happened and learn from this situation I have some questions for you, which will help you find out what the lesson and the message from your experience could be.

Ask yourself:

  1. What can I learn from this situation?

  2. How can I grow from this experience?

  3. What are the lessons I need to learn to prevent this from happening again?

A Personal Tip:

What always works for me is to detach myself from what happened and try to see it from another point of view.

By taking a step back and putting yourself in the other person's shoes it helps you to gain some clarity and perspective.

You can't change what happened, but you can change your attitude and actions in the present.

3. Forgiveness is a choice

Not only is forgiveness a conscious choice, but also it is for yourself.

Exactly, you are reading it correctly.

When you forgive someone you do it for yourself.

You are probably thinking how is forgiving someone going to benefit me?

It's not like you forget everything that the other person did and you start from zero again. 

No, that's not why forgiving is for you.

Forgiveness is for you because when you forgive someone you give a gift to yourself, the permission to move on.

If you don't forgive that person you are holding yourself back from moving forward and being the best version of yourself.

It takes a lot of inner strength and courage to forgive someone who hurt you.

I think we both can agree that you don't want to be constantly attached to the past.

Plus, let me tell you something.

Forgiveness is not tolerance and doesn't mean fully trusting someone again.

4. Move forward

Before you forgive, you have to figure out if you want to move forward with the relationship.

There are exactly two possible ways how it could end.

  1. you decide to keep the relationship/friendship

  2. you decide to let go and move on without the relationship

No matter which direction you go, make sure that you have accomplished step 1-3.

Moreover, the decision you take should be based on what's the best for you.

If you decide to leave the relationship and to move on, don't forget what happened, what you learned from this relationship and use the knowledge you got for your next relationship/friendship.

If you decide to stay with the relationship there are some few things you have to clarify and talk about what the boundaries are so the relationship doesn't fall back to old habits.

Make sure to let them know that forgiveness is not tolerance and that your trust has to be rebuild.

Keep in mind that you want to build a new relationship/ friendship with the person.

A better one.

However, It's important that during the process you make sure that you focus on building the new and not fighting the old.

Plus, forgiveness is a process and communicate it clearly that it takes time and work towards it, little by little each day.




What are your thoughts about this blog post?

Do you struggle with forgiving people?

What are the lessons you learned from forgiving someone?