Do you feel shame for who you are?
It is okay if you do!
I am not here to criticize or judge you.
Shame makes you feel like you are in a cage. No matter what you do, you cannot escape. You are trapped.
However, one day you will escape the cage of shame.
You will be free.
How do I know?
I’ve been there; I felt shame for who I was.
It was eating me inside alive.
Every single day I felt my shame growing bigger and stronger.
As it grew stronger, so I got weaker and smaller.
To a point, I felt lost.
Shame comes in different shades.
The shame of being sexually abused, an alcoholic, a drug addict, having a disability, body issues, …
When I first shared one of my biggest shames to a few friends and family members, I’ve been told to keep it to myself.
“Hide it. Don’t tell people about it. They won’t understand. You need to protect yourself and them.”
Yes, I have been told to hide it from others to protect them. Crazy, right?
One of my biggest shames came from my sexuality.
As a bisexual man, I’ve been told numerous times that loving men is just a phase that will pass soon or that I am gay and that I am too afraid to admit it.
(No, this is not my coming out of the closet story! It is about shame.)
I get it. Putting yourself out there is scary as fu*k.
Especially when you cannot control or predict how people will react.
Nevertheless, how long do you want to stay in that cage that is making you feel miserable each day?
Don’t you think being authentic, honouring and loving yourself is more valuable than living a life where you are hiding behind a person you don’t even recognise anymore?
It’s up to you to decide what kind of life you want to live.
I am not here to judge you.
You do you, but if you want to break free of this devils cycle and create meaningful connections while honouring yourself, let’s do it! We are in this together.
Table Of Contents
2. Practice kindness & acceptance
3. Dealing with rejection & criticism
4. Stop hiding & put yourself out there
Click the part where you want to read and learn more about.
You Are Good Enough!
I am good enough. I choose to be enough. I always have been and will be enough.
Memorize these words. Lock them down in your brain. Make it a habit to yourself to say them every single day.
Why? Because YOU are enough.
When you were born, you were perfect and beautiful in your own way.
Nobody would have looked at you and told you that you were not enough.
Why do you think it isn’t the case anymore?
Moreover, you are not born with shame!
It is only a condition of your past, which was created based on words, and the actions of others or yourself.
Although shame feels like it is permanent, it isn’t!
Let’s repeat it together.
“I am good enough. I choose to be enough. I always have been and will be enough.”
Those are the words that I’ve been telling myself (in the shower) every single day until I felt ready to share my shame (sexuality) with my family and friends.
Your shames will try to make you feel small and not enough.
However, no matter if you feel shame for who you are, it doesn’t change the fact that you are enough.
There is nothing wrong with you and has never been, even if you think it or others say it about you.
Who are they even to judge or criticise you?
Never let someone tell you that you are less than anyone else in the room just because in their eyes you are different.
1. Understand Your Shame
To even move forward and overcome any shame, you first need to understand where it comes from.
Every shame was created once.
When I was a kid, I entered the examination room of my school doctor, and my smiling doctor told me: “You are fat”. (A fun fact he was fatter than me.)
That’s when I started to believe “I am not attractive”. I was body shamed and laughed at for being thick, not looking thin enough.
That’s when my body issues and eating disorder started to appear.
Knowing the background story where your shame was previously created won’t undo what was said or done to you, but it will bring you one step closer to overcoming it.
Understanding the origin of your shame is a stepping stone to letting go of these disempowering beliefs finally.
I am fu*king attractive from the outside and within. That’s my truth now.
If I had never asked myself where my body issues came from, I probably would be hating my body now.
Exercise:
If you have a supportive non-judgemental person in your life, which you are not afraid of to share your shame with, talk to that person about it.
If not, I would recommend you to get a piece of paper or journal out and start to journal about your shame and the experiences linked to it.
Here are some questions that might help you out:
Where and when was my shame created?
What is it actually about?
Why am I feeling the shame of ___ about myself?
Why is my shame showing up today?
This is the time where you want to be completely honest with yourself.
Moreover, if you don’t feel comfortable knowing that someone could read what you wrote about yourself, you still can burn the paper or trash it after you wrote it.
This exercise is all about creating awareness for you.
You got this. I believe in you.
2. Practice Kindness & Acceptance
I have to disappoint you, but your parents, your friends or even your boss aren’t your biggest nightmare.
Plot twist, you are your biggest nightmare.
We are so easy to judge and make fun of ourselves.
However, how are you supposed to move forward and own your shame if you keep punishing yourself?
Stop being such an asshole to yourself!
I remember the time where I woke up early in the morning with this sadness and pain inside of me and tears in my eyes.
To fight these feelings, I opened a bottle of Gin and started drinking it puer. Jep, I used to be addicted to alcohol.
I still remember the tears floating down, me feeling like shit and at the end throwing up.
The worst part was that I could hear this voice inside of my head telling me how miserable I am. That I am an idiot, pathetic and not enough.
The next day I quit drinking until I got the voices and the urge under control. (I never shared this with anyone.)
My point here is that treating myself like shit did not help me deal with my pain and what happened. It made everything worst.
Only with being kinder and showing empathy towards myself, I broke me free of this devil cycle.
When you are kinder to yourself, you will kick less yourself down. It will make it easier to accept your shame.
Furthermore, experiencing some positivity and empowering beliefs around your shame might give you the bost to take another step.
Exercise:
Being aware of why and where your shame was first created won’t make it disappear.
It will help if you start showing some self-compassion and self-love towards yourself to move past this.
Here are some affirmations you can tell yourself:
I am enough. I choose to be enough. I always have been and will be enough.
I am strong and go this.
No matter what happens, I love myself, and I am confident enough to do the right thing for me.
Choose affirmations that reflect how you would like to feel and state them in the present tense like they are already happening.
If they don’t resonate with you, feel free to create your own.
Please share them down below in the comment section. Your affirmations might inspire and empower others.
3. Dealing With Rejection & Criticism
Well, I have to disappoint you, but not everyone will react how you pictured it in your head. From experience, it never happens as planned.
They always completely reacted differently. Breath! Everything will be fine.
This doesn’t mean that all my experiences were terrible. They were actually okay.
Telling people about your insecurities, shames,… might trigger them and that has nothing to do with you.
What I want to say is that it’s nearly impossible to predict how other people will react when you share your secret with them.
I am not trying to be pessimistic, but I am talking from experience.
The only thing you can control is how you react to it. At least something!
If you are like me, you probably created 1000 scenarios what they will say or how the reaction will be.
Moreover, if you are also like me, creating those 1000 scenarios will make you less confident.
The most important part of sharing is that you keep honouring yourself.
Even when they reject you, it has nothing to do with what you said. It’s all about them.
When I told my dad that I am bisexual, he looked at me and said “I don’t care if you are gay” and left the room. We didn’t speak for about two weeks.
How he reacted had nothing to do with me, it was all about him.
I gave him space to process the news. It probably was a lot to take in.
Now we have a much better connection before coming out to him.
I get it; you want to get over with it or just share with someone your shame, deal with it and carry on with your life.
However, sometimes the other person is not ready to carry on, and you have to give them the space to process everything.
If you push them too much, it could backfire.
You cannot expect people to move on with the information you share with them or even force them to stay in your life.
If they neglect or don’t accept you, you know you gotta move on.
Don’t keep someone in your life just because they are family or friends.
You don’t owe anyone anything.
Being constantly subjected to criticism is not healthy for you.
Don’t forget, honouring yourself is an essential part of healing.
If you keep contact with those people, they will try to make you fill like something is wrong with you or that you are confused.
First of all, nothing is wrong with you and second of all; you have no responsibility to keep them in your life.
Finally, you are the only one who knows what is right for you or what/who you need in life.
Exercise:
Do you remember those 1000 different scenarios of their reactions that you made up in your mind?
What if you take a different approach towards it?
Please think about the worst-case scenario that could happen to you when dealing with your shame.
How would it look like?
What would their expression and body language be like?
What would they say and specifically criticize?
Picture it in your mind. Think about it.
Probably, you are wondering, “why am I doing this?”
Well, now I want you to step aside from that scenario, and I want you to think about it again.
This time think about how you want to react to their criticism in an empowering self-loving approach.
How do you want to feel when they criticize you?
What exactly do you want to say?
How do you want to respond to it?
Remember, you cannot control how others will react to what you share with them, but you can prepare yourself to how to respond to it.
Maybe, being silent will be the answer or leaving the room, because they are treating you like shit.
This exercise is all about letting go of expecting others to react positively and come up with empowering responses when it turns out to be criticism.
Again, it is all about honouring yourself in a way that is empowering you to be your true self and not let the criticism and those toxic opinions get to you.
What they say is about them. What you hear is about you.
4. Stop Hiding & Put Yourself Out There
Now it's the time where you combine every knowledge you got from above.
It's time to stop hiding behind your shame and do something about it.
Hiding behind your shame won't help you overcome it.
I am not asking you to leave it all behind and pretend to live your life like your shame never existed.
What I mean is that you take daily small steps that create significant change in your life.
What are empowering baby steps that you can take to shift that negative shame energy into more positive energy?
My first baby step was journaling about my sexuality, my body issues, and my alcohol consume before doing anything.
I believe journaling helped me break free from these shames.
There is something therapeutical when writing your struggles done. I always start to see things from a different perspective.
However, it might be that your baby action looks completely different.
You must put yourself out there and start small.
If you feel ready to do big steps, go for it. Nevertheless, from experience, I know that when you carry your shame with you, it seems that it starts to become part of your identity.
You start to believe that it is part of you.
However, your shame is just a condition of past trauma or experience that happened to you. It is not you!
Try to find the right actions for you that will push you in the direction of transforming those toxic thoughts and energy into empowering once.
Are you ready?
Exercise:
Set goals, plan and execute. My secret sauce. It's not a sauce, but you get what I mean.
Setting goals and having a bulletproof plan won't work if you don't execute it.
However, before even executing your plan and your goals, you need to know what also are the action steps that will set you up for success.
Make sure you do things that empower you.
Your goals will probably be in the direction to be shame-free. Here are some questions to help you on your path out:
What can I do today to achieve my goal of being shameless?
What are the baby steps that you can take to shift that negative shame energy into more positive energy?
What are empowering actions you can do now that will free you from your shame?
What do you need to do or say to become free from shame?
What would your ideal self tell you to do?
The most vital small action I need to take now to break free of my shame is___
Please note that everyone's journey is unique and special.
What might work for your best friend or me might not help you at all.
Moreover, there is no path free from struggle.
It will be challenging, but I promise you that on the other side, a life with more joy, peace, and happiness is waiting for you.
You got this! I believe in you! Your truth will set you free.
Never forget whatever it is or looks like if it works for you that is the name of the game.
Personal Tip
Under no circumstances, do not share your shame during dinner!
Jep, I did that, and it was one of the awkward situations I’ve ever been to.
The problem is not the sharing part, but what comes right after.
I remember me telling my family during dinner table that I am bisexual and my cousin, his girlfriend, my aunt, and uncle each started to talk about how they feel about me.
Don’t get me wrong, it was all empowering and supportive, but I felt like they were trying to say over and over again that they love me no matter who I end up with.
After the 2nd person, I felt so awkward. It was so uncomfortable that everyone was starring at me. At that exact moment, I realized what if they reacted badly? This could have gone completely a different route.
So please, don’t do it during dinner. It’s hard to escape if things get ugly.
Luckily it did not happen to me, but it might happen to you.
Bonus: Take Your Time
Before you leave and go on this journey to free yourself from your shames I have a bonus tip/advice for you.
Take your time.
You probably won’t overcome your shame in one day.
It takes time.
You probably already know it, but you might be pressured or pushed by your environment.
Don’t let yourself be pushed by anyone to do anything.
Some of us will take weeks to overcome our shames and others just days.
There is no magic formula or rule how long the process of overcoming your demons will take.
It all depends on you and how willing you are to go to the core.
However, if you take one day or one year, that doesn’t make you less then others.
Whatever time you need is the name of the game.
If I had gotten this advice sooner, I would have had beaten myself less up that I am not progressing fast enough.
Bottom line, take your time. This is not about them, but YOU.
Now let’s talk about you
How do you decide if you are going to buy a book or read it?
What do you do to make sure that you will enjoy reading the book you just bought?
What kind of research do you do before buying a book?
